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Enemy Complex

Yesterday was the first day of my favorite season. Even though I know it's only September and for those who like me, live in Arizona, first day of Autumn means absolutely nada. I however, am ready to celebrate because it is time for me to segregate and freshen up my wardrobe and finally wiggle myself into my fall-winter collection, which by the way makes me look fabulous.

It only gets better. By October it's cool enough to sleep with open windows and some nights even might require a little thicker blanket. Not to mention, I can wear socks and stop worrying about my pedicure. With relief I welcome those few hours in the morning without sun creeping in to my bedroom at 4 AM. The hope for rain becomes more realistic, we can enjoy pumpkin spice latte, a wide selection of pies, candy corn and scary movies...

I envy those fortunate artists who live in countries or states with all four seasons relishing beautiful colors, smells, sounds and melancholy that only Autumn has to offer.

Who doesn't like Fall? It's the coolest season of all and yet, those with emotional struggles are facing the toughest time of the year. It rains, it gets darker faster and the fact that Christmas is right around the corner causes anxiety as we begin to realize that we are set to spend another holiday season alone, or without those we hold close to our heart. Year 2020 will forever be remembered for the crimes committed against humanity. Almost every family in the world will have an empty seat at the family table this holiday season. Whether they lost someone to coronavirus itself, or as a casualty of the new laws enforced on earthlings, or even those who just could not stand the pressure anymore and sadly took their own lives. Let's not foget the latest movement and related protests which costed us more lives and end up being the final nail in the coffin for so many businesses.

I think those who are looking for jobs should apply for a 211 operator position because they are going to need a lot of extra manpower.

Emotional support will be needed everywhere. Maybe not all of us can give it or know how too, but we all can at least try our best by being kind to others. We never know how was the other persons' day and even if they were not very nice to us we should be aware that our reactions can cause even more damage. We have the power of either turning the heat up or down not just in our own lives. Imagine being the last person who said something upsetting to Mr.X on top of already a long and stressful day. He then sits in his car at this point boiling with rage and gets into an accident. All we can hope for is that he survives, but what if it gets worse and Mr. X's car hits another car or a pedestrian. I am drifting towards a dark scenario of the butterfly effect, but we need to wake up and realize that our actions and reactions matter. You don't even have to be the last person pissing someone off but can definitely add fuel to the fire.

In my opinion autumn is one of those seasons when our emotions are heightened. Positive as well as the negative and not all of us are aware of it. Recently I discovered something new about myself that brings to mind a syndrome called “enemy complex”. Seeing how quickly my scenarios turn south you probably get the idea that I might be actually someone who also suffers from similar condition, however, not as sever, I came upon a trace that definitely caught my full attention.

Whether we like to or not, we all suffer from some kind of mental disorder but since we still function autonomously (depending on the severity) and achieve successes we don’t realize that there is actually something wrong. From experience, I know that only the smartest of us will end up seeking help and those who value their intellectual image more than their identity are often the ones truly living in the "stone age".

A condition like Enemy Complex is described in modern psychology as a mental disorder in which a person falsely believes he or she is disliked, disrespected, not appreciated, and surrounded by enemies.

EC has received its name after a phrase Robert Tucker, an American historian used in his book -- "Stalin as Revolutionary"-- tracing the cognitive state of the protagonist. Thinking that nobody likes him was not the only problem of the famous Russian dictator. Many psychoanalytical theories suggest that Joseph Stalin suffered from neurosis, paranoia, and self-idealization. Mike Tyson also admitted to thoughts that his opponents were hiring coaches who had a personal vendeta against him. Both, Tyson and Stalin have turned into dangerous people not by chance.

Something like imaginary enemy disorder seems innocent but it should be taken seriously as soon as signs of such behavior were discovered. One should reflect on it for a moment and question the leading thoughts because studies reveal that 95% of them are not real anyway.

I know… Talk is cheap and the ability to control our internal reactions is easier said then done.

In all likelihood many people don’t suspect an emotional intelligent coach to actually experience such, but the fact that coaches have all their shit together is a myth. My decision of becoming emotional intelligence coach wasn't accidental. I have survived my own emotional imbalances, I fought through them and even though my heart carries a lot of battle scars I came out victorious. Yet, there are still so many questions I have for myself, and to this day would like to know why in certain situations my reactions are still questionable.

Many times during my life I have been told that I run away from love? But how? Me? No way! I have always been the most loving person who is secretly in love with love. Running away from it sounds absurd, yet, when I take my time to analyze it, it starts to take shape and makes sense. I'm a mature woman now and will not state anymore that I would do anything for love but I still would do a lot, I mean.... pulling no punches a lot... So how can someone say that I run away from love?

Then I realized that... this is how my actions present themselves to people who love me...

The enlightenment came to me during a simple conversation with my good friend who is personality-wise my total opposite. What he said made perfect sense and that thought on its own would have never crossed a mind of someone with an INFP profile like myself.

Now when I started to analyze my behavior it came out crystal clear that for the last 49 years I have been wrong about love all together and the reason for it was the fact that it was always my priority. The idea that people who care for me less than what my own feelings for them were has created a belief that they don't love me at all. Everything they have done without my approval -- my brain receives as a personal attack and hurting me in a process. It comes to the point that I cannot take it anymore. Turn on my heel and leave, but this is only how it looks like on the outside because on the inside — I am shattered and those wounds usually take years to heal. It's not about a guy who was an asshole, and I was stupid to be with him and finally came to my senses when there was nothing else left of me. Not that kind of nonsense. I am talking about love and trust from people as close to me as my own grandmother, mother, daughter or husband.

There is this old polish mentality to encourage someone to do something better by criticizing them and hoping to create feeling of shame. Like embarrassment ever really helped someone succeed. It in fact creates a reverse reaction where one stops believing in himself altogether. Nobody is there to blame for this and even I as well am guilty of this behavior towards my own children. Only when one is asked for an opinion you can express it, otherwise, if you have nothing good to say I’d suggest to hold your breath and say nothing at all.

Every criticism I have received I took very personally even if it was something small like "Kamilla, don't you know how to cut bread?" -- In fact, the above silly question at that time pushed me way over the edge and it took a lot of effort to climb back up.

That is why the love of people who complained about me was doubtful? In my understanding, I always tried to do the right thing and if someone was protesting against it, I figured they didn't deserve me in their life, they will be better off without me. As soon as it was convenient I was on my merry way to my own little paradise where I live alone in my own happy ever after. I think that at some point everyone has said something that hurt me or complained one time too many. Often about things I had no control over and if authenticity is the price you have to pay to only be able to please someone then -- fuck no -- count me out. This is true but does it apply to every situation? Maybe an example would help. Suggestions about your posture, body weight, the way you walk, sleep or pronounce words... They are hurtful right? You might think ok, but if you love someone wouldn't you like them to always look their best, and maybe not complain but suggest a different diet, better outfit etc... Truth is, you are entitled to your opinion but again, and I can't stress that enough, if it is not a positive one then share it only if you are asked for it. In case you decide to express it any way, you will not only hurt someone but you eventually might lose a person that you hold dear and I can tell you that first hand. Love won't stop us from running away and in fact sometimes a strong emotion is the solely reason for leaving because critique from people we care about most hurts like a bitch. Myself, I don't give a demn about what people I don't care about think of me, but I've been asking myself if people who hurt me the most actually did love? Chances are I’d think as probably not until I realized that not all loves are the same. Not everyone is equal and not all things are important to all of us.

Knowing life I am confident that there are millions of people out there who also think in the same manner and suffer in silence without realizing that this behavior is a form of disorder. We don't even know how being different feels because we never felt any other way and for us... this is normal...

To be honest who is there to say what is normal anymore? Normal is what majority of the population believes. If most people believe as seeing enemy everywhere is abnormal maybe we have some hope there as a whole, problem is that thinking everyone is our friend is considered equally insane but at least those people are happier and live to the fullest hoping that eventually, they will meet a true supporter and once we find a person who understands us, and we enjoy their company in return, it is important to accept them and stop questioning yourself if they truly like you or is it just a hex. Welcome their love as it is and don't expect to have in return the same amount of feelings, respect or trust as you are able to offer. Failing this will only get you hurt. Being an emotional person is amazing and it helps us to connect and bond with others but if we allow our emotions to control our live then we are pretty much screwed. If you would like to learn more about this feel free to take my online classes.

Please, remember… just because you think that you are not loved it doesn't always mean it’s true because others have a different ways of showing their affection. ❤️

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