For the past decade, I have been trying to rebuild my life after a painful divorce.
I bough a home, I’ve created an incredible career... (At present, I’m the HR head of a successful blockchain company in Japan). I’ve written two books, and I’ve successfully coached a ton of people.
Developing personal rituals, meditation practices, and processes worked well for me. On the career front, things have been good, but when I rolled over in my empty bed... it was not so great. In this regard, I wondered if manifestation would be the same as what I experienced professionally.
We all know how hard relationships can be... Especially when one gets into a relationship at a mature age when their life and habits have pretty much - taken hold. Then someone else walks into your life and starts telling you what to do. Initially, it can be overlooked for a month or two, but eventually it will become a focal point of their daily interactions and the relationship will turn into a relationshit.
Seeing as acceptance or living your life alone is the only way out, I wondered how to get past that. Nonetheless, accepting something you don’t like or accepting someone forcing you to stop doing things you like or that make you feel comfortable is incredibly difficult.
Is there anything that helps? There is indeed.
The Japanese have an ancient aesthetic called Wabi-Sabi, which celebrates all the old, weathered, rough and imperfect things and finds beauty in their imperfections. Imagine an old vase that has a gigantic crack running through it. Normally, we’d hide a crack in a vase by placing it at a position that is inconspicuous. However, what the Japanese would do is to shine a spotlight directly into that crack. A Wabi-Sabi relationship entails loving your partner’s imperfections and your own.
An example will illustrate what I mean:
When you are a clean freak, you stress out over the appearance of your apartment or house and you wouldn’t even be able to sleep if the sink had one dirty cup in it. Then your partner moves in with you, whom you love so much, but who is quite the opposite of you. He goes to bed late and when you wake up; you find a messy kitchen because he made himself a sandwich during the night. The counter top is covered in crumbs. What an aggravating situation, right? The only thing you want is for this to end.
If you practice Wabi-Sabi... you think the only way to stop this mess is to no longer be with your partner... Are you able to imagine what it would feel like?
From my experience, I can say that if you love your partner, you will begin to grow fond of the crumbs in your kitchen, because you wouldn’t want to live without them. It will be a blessing to them every day because every morning will mean you have been with them for another day.
According to my research, there is scientific evidence to support this. A study was conducted on couples wearing rose-colored glasses. It is called the Pygmalion effect, because it is a phenomenon when you raise your level of expectations of someone, they will raise to meet that level. Once you put on your rose-colored glasses. You will start focusing on what is right instead of what is wrong. Wabi-Sabi refers to the rose color glasses, which are a shift in perspective.
Perhaps you are wondering if Wabi-Sabi can be applied to things that drive you absolutely crazy. Here’s what it doesn’t work for. Behavioral problems, abuse, and addiction do not respond to it. Therefore, if there is something similar in your relationship, you should seek professional help. But there is a Wabi-Sabi solution for almost anything else.
I had trouble finding Wabi-Sabi, for one particular thing. Being an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person), bright lights and loud noises are discomforting to me. I was married to a news junkie. Whenever he was home, he always had the TV on, and I don’t know if he was deaf, but the TV volume was always pretty loud. How many times did you complain, whine, and bitch to your husband? Have things ever changed? No way in hell... No matter how many complaints you make. It took me a while to realize I could lower the TV volume by using the same remote control.
As a result, Wabi-Sabi love becomes a reflection of personal responsibility. It is our responsibility to make ourselves happy. We have been brainwashed into believing that we, our spouses, our children, and even our pets must all be perfect. The pursuit of perfection leaves us not only exhausted but also sad and frustrated. Surely there should be an agreement to change perfection to pure fiction.
You can shift distress into pleasure by using Wabi-Sabi, and conflict can be transformed into compassion when using Wabi-Sabi in a relationship.
Please consider your partner’s irritating behavior as a gift. This wisdom can be applied to your own life. Take a Wabi-Sabi moment if you’re angry with yourself and you’re beating yourself up. I would like to close today’s message with a quote from Sam Kean... He wrote something brilliant that we should all keep in mind...
“We come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to love an imperfect person, perfectly…”